Chapter 1 - Fade to Black
Hotan’s eyes struggled against the blinding light and searing heat. The intense white horizon of a desert landscape swallowed him. Sparkling sand, bright cloudless skies, and waves of heat obscured everything which lay beyond where he stood. Turning again and again, there was no end or means of knowing where this place was … or if it even existed at all. In the distance, he heard the sound of waves hitting the shore, but he could never make it over the hill when he came here. His ears began to pound with the beating of his heart until it deafened him.
His chest ached as panic filled him. It’s the dream again. Frantic, he searched all around. Where is he? He always comes for me. I never…
“HOTAN!” a voice roared, closer than it should have been since he he’d been searching so hard for the inevitable attacker.
I never see him coming.
Hotan’s nerves unraveled in his joints. Turning, his gaze fell upon a disrupted, blackened figure approaching him. It vibrated and wiggled as it closed the gap between them. It was as if this single component of his dream had poor reception, static of thoughts or emotions, and it kept him from seeing who stood there[EC1] .
Just let me see his face this time. Is this a man or demon? Why do I feel like I know him? My instincts scream that this voice, this presence, is someone I should know by heart by now, yet…
“Hotan! I shall take my revenge.” The animosity in the voice gripped Hotan’s soul.
Not again. That aura of murderous intent is starting to weigh down on me. I know that I know him, but why do I also feel as if I have never met him? It’s a haunting sensation of déjà vu.
“Revenge?” Hotan’s mind flooded with questions as he tried to decipher the familiar voice. “Who are you? Why do I feel like I should know you? Have we met?”
“You know what blood runs in our hearts! This will be the last time you hide from me, the last time you’ll hide from what you’ve done!” A long sword appeared out of the wavering blackness. Unlike the man who held it, this element of the dream was clear as it reflected the blinding sun, shining down upon Hotan like a spotlight on its kill. “I wish to thank you for my tortured life during all these centuries! I’ll send you to a lonely darkness equal to the one you gave me!”
Hotan’s heels scraped against something hard, and he fell backward. No matter how many times he changed his direction, he always fell back into the emptiness of this place. The sand, coarse enough to draw blood, burnt as his palms landed hard. It slowed, everything lingering between thudding heartbeats. The blade rose high, racing at him with astonishing speed as if it had broken loose from some time warp. Its edge ripped across his arms, and he released a blood-curdling scream. Blood sprayed into the air, the dark mist muddling the bright skies overhead. Falling back, it throbbed and stung.
All of this is so real; maybe I died this way in a past life, but…
The black shadow released a maddening laugh, the same one Hotan had heard a million times before in this nightmare. Wild eyes and a wide grin became clear on the shadow’s vibrating face. The black static now carried a new color in its distortion; Hotan’s stomach twisted as he saw the red tone of his blood blending into its very being.
Why? he thought.
Waves of slashes, not deep enough to kill, struck repeatedly. His screams were useless against the laughing man in this place where he found himself imprisoned. Suddenly, the blade plunged through his chest, pinning him against the sand, his heart aching against the metal which kept it from pumping. A coldness flowed through him as his blood soaked the earth, signaling his oncoming death. Darkness hid the blinding landscape, and a great weight of emotions pressed down on him for not recognizing the man he’d wronged in some way…
“Hotan!” Pushing her glasses back on her nose, the haughty teacher snorted in his direction.
He jerked his head up from his desk, breathing heavily after his nightmare. Sweat covered his face, palms cold and sweaty. Eyes pressed into him from all sides. Did I fall asleep?
“I would appreciate it if you stayed awake during my class.” Scoffing, she turned back to the whiteboard to continue the math lesson on sine versus cosine.
“Feh.” Rubbing the sweat off his forehead, he ignored the warning. Of all places…
“Psst, are you okay?” Wide-eyed, the light-haired girl in the desk next to him leaned closer. “You’re looking pale today. Are you sick?”
“I’m fine.” Annoyed that she had noticed his distraught expression, he cracked his neck before glaring out the window. Great, now everyone thinks there’s something else wrong with me.
The girl sighed before returning to her notes.
I’m in no mood to talk to anyone. It wasn’t uncommon for him to be antisocial, even with classmates. He spent most of his time in class looking out windows, waiting for the bell to ring. I already know this. Why can’t I just test out of it? Despite the lack of focus, he passed his courses without any difficulties. I just have no motivation to put extra effort into this.
Hotan watched a gym class finish its last round of a basketball game. The view from the second-story window was the perfect escape from his math teacher’s monotonous lecture. As the last of the kids disappeared, he shifted his focus to a pair of mourning doves sitting on the tennis court fence. A few more landed next to them, joining the line as the sun rose higher in the sky. The warmth of light hit his face as it pushed through the glass, a comforting sensation compared to the echoes of cold which still rattled through him.
It’s strange how the birds are so clear and distinct from the rest of this gray landscape. Though he’d been born completely colorblind, there were occasionally strange moments where an object would appear in color. Despite having never seen colors before, he knew their names and how to describe them. One doctor had labeled him as a classic case of cerebral achromatopsia, a fancy term that meant he does see colors since he describes the world around him in shades of gray. The other theory came from a skeptic who claimed: “He sees color, but this is a clear cry for attention.”
The doctor pointed out that the truly colorblind have no recognition of what gray is. It didn’t matter; he couldn’t tell you what color anyone around him wore, let alone the school’s colors. He had other things to focus on than school pride. Screw team spirit. Who was that man? His thoughts reeled as the sounds of the classroom faded. Closing his eyes, the dark figure reappeared in his mind. The same dream over and over again. This year has been the worst. What does it mean?
“Class dismissed!” The teacher cleared her throat as students rushed the door. “Hotan Samuels, I need to speak with you.”
Grabbing his book bag, Hotan approached her desk as the last student departed, leaving them alone. “Yes, Mrs. Bothirsen? Is there a problem?”
“Hotan…” She paused, waiting for the door to click shut before returning her gaze to him. “I know you are passing the exams with straight A’s, but please, stay awake in my class. Just because you’re smarter than the other students, doesn’t mean you get special privileges, and it certainly doesn’t mean you can nap in class. You’ll never pass if you continue to just sit here staring out the window. You need to start participating.”
“Sorry, I haven’t been sleeping well,” he confessed and turned away.
“Look, if you don’t take my class seriously, I’m not going to give you an easy A.” Mrs. Bothirsen cleared her throat as her tone grew stern and sharp. “The other teachers may give you special treatment, but I expect you to work for your grade.”
“I got it. Understood.” He started heading for the hall with no reaction on his face.
Her chair squeaked as she grew louder, offended by his even-keeled tone. “Look! I need you to take me seriously!”
Stopping a few steps short of the door, he glared back at her. “I apologized. I didn’t purposely fall asleep, and I’m being honest with you. What more do you want?”
She opened her mouth to speak, but he interrupted her.
“Plus, who said I had special privileges? If that was the case, I wouldn’t even bother showing up to class or school. I’d move on to more productive things in my life.” Smirking, he glided out the door, leaving her unable to retort without risking someone overhearing her.
The hallways undulated before him, a churning of grays like boiling water in a silver pot. He kept his head low, silver bangs aiding in his efforts to ignore unwanted eye contact, especially after the debacle in math class. He just wanted to finish this last year of high school and move on with his life. Unlike the kids surrounding him, Hotan had no choice but to grow up. Memories of his mom made him bite his cheek as he continued the silent march down the stairs to the first floor. I’m here because I promised her that I would graduate high school. He sighed, passing through the mayhem like a phantom. The students around him seemed to fall silent as he lost himself to sour thoughts and memories. Panicked kids rushed past him, but he felt no urgency to make it to class on time—not anymore.
He paused in front of his locker. Tossing the math book on top of the stack, he huffed to himself. A smirk crept across his face. There are only a few months left, and I’m done. I can move on once I do this for Mom. He shut the door on the pile of textbooks, many of which he hadn’t opened. Despite that, he was passing with straight A’s. It’s like I was born with centuries of information programmed into every fiber of my being, but who am I to question it anymore? Not like I need someone to fix it. Carrying the books to his classes had been a way to show his teachers respect and appear less intimidating to other students. At least bringing a book gave the impression that he studied or gave him a chance to follow along, though he wasn’t interested in the slightest.
“Hey, there,” a deep voice rang in Hotan’s ears. Chills ran across the back of his neck as if Death himself had whispered the words. “I heard you were looking for me?”
“Hisota.” Hotan turned and shoved the skinny, dark-eyed boy. “You haven’t been to band practice. Are you even going to play at the club tonight? Or are you finally quitting the band? At least man up and tell me you quit.”
With a coy smile, Hisota flicked his long, black ponytail off his shoulders. After a moment, he shrugged, increasing Hotan’s ire. “What does it matter?”
“I need to know.” Lately, Hotan had a tough time considering Hisota a friend. They’d met back in elementary school, and Hisota had followed hot on his heels ever since. “Cut the crap, Hisota. Are you leaving the band, yes or no?”
“If I say no, are you going to bully me into going tonight? Or would you prefer I say yes, so your cheerleader-wannabe girlfriend can take my place?” Twisting his face into a vinegary look, it was clear Hisota had a jealous streak when it came to Hotan’s relationships with anyone else. “I hope you know pretty girls like her look like whores on grungy rocker boys like you. She’s not—”
Hisota yelped as Hotan gripped him by the shirt and slammed him into the lockers. “Leave her out of this! Everyone knows you’re jealous of her. Knock it off and grow up already.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.” Hisota jerked out of Hotan’s grip and stomped off into the wall of eyes.
“If you don’t show, I’m counting it as you quitting!” Hotan shouted after him.
He doesn’t get it. He’s messing with my livelihood. Ignoring the chatter and giggles, Hotan pushed his way through the front doors of the old, brick school. Unlike all of them, I have to make this work. I don’t have parents to lean on, and I can’t rely on Annie forever. Aggravated, he tuned out the world and people around him as he made his way to the bus loop, marching silently down the sidewalk. He stopped a block down from the school where a strangely shaped shadow fell over him. Before him, he saw the old, broken church. Yeah, I need time to think before I do something I might regret.
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